It was about one year ago, when our boys were ages five, two, and three months, that Abby and I made the decision to divide and conquer, split the grocery list in half, she takes produce and organics on the left side of the store while I take the canned vegetables aisle and work to the right. Get in, complete the operation, and get out, like Navy Seals. Put 30 minutes on the clock and start the timer. We’ll rendezvous at poultry at 19:30. Leave no man or toddler behind. With a little luck and a lot of focus, we might just make it out of here with food for a week.
Yesterday was perhaps our most harrowing mission. We had been out of town for a week and thus found ourselves in dire need of essentials like bread, milk, diapers, and organic non-GMO peanut butter. This particular battle plan called for Thomas (now 6), Arthur (3), and John Lloyd (1) to go with me, while Abby operated solo.
They say no battle plan survives contact with the enemy. Upon entering the Kroger at 19:00, Thomas suddenly looked pale and vomit-y, so I took him to the restroom while Abby began operations with the other two.
At 19:15 Arthur disobeyed a direct order and attempted to go AWOL with John Lloyd and Abby’s shopping cart. He didn’t make it far before he struck and dismantled a large, plastic, globe-like display case filled with water, flooding the immediate vicinity and rendering further operations in produce perilous.
Meanwhile I was still in the Kroger restroom stall monitoring Thomas’ fitness to return to combat, keenly aware that precious seconds were ticking by. At 19:20 he announced himself ready, passed a cursory examination, and after consulting our order of operations we sallied forth for refried beans.
We were seriously behind schedule but making up for lost time with Thomas riding at the head of the buggy and scooping up items as we passed without breaking stride. The objectives were falling in rapid succession – apple sauce, peanut butter, maple syrup, mixed nuts, bacon, paper towels, orange juice. We were down to our final objective – key lime juice? Where do they keep key lime juice and why isn’t it on the juice aisle? – when my phone rang. It was Abby, requesting immediate assistance.
Now Arthur needed to get to the bathroom, pronto. Fortunately they were on the next aisle over, so we quickly merged squads. Arthur informed me that a disaster was imminent, so I picked him up and rushed back to the restroom. When we emerged Abby was holding a bottle of key lime juice, triumphant.
We proceed to checkout only to discover Abby had forgotten the coupons.
All in all it wasn’t pretty, but we lived to fight another day. And we have diapers.
